The Hallway

Last Friday I found myself in a mammogram  hallway with about six other women.  We all had on the same dull matching medical gowns like no one had identity similar to pitiful cows with the same spots waiting for the slaughter.  One has to love the designer of those garments; the string ties don’t really do much for modesty.  I’ve found that a lot of times the ties are too short, misplaced or even missing.  Once they are tied, you find yourself hunched forward just to tuck all your body parts in. When you sit down the flaps just gape open.  Suddenly, you fill a slight breeze only to notice that you’ve just provided a peep show for an entire audience. 
Scanning the hall , I looked around for someplace in particular that I should sit. This is a practice I have picked up from all my treatment.  Either I can decide that I have to have treatment for things or I am sent!  I choose the latter!  The mammogram waiting chairs sit in front of the dressing rooms.  “Hum… where would God sit with me? “ I mused.   A chair opened up right in the middle of the room next to a 78 year old sad woman.  Being my friendly self and trying to break the nerves of silence in the room, I asked her, “So, how we doing today?”  It was  then her tyrant of despair and despondency spewed into the hallway.

“I would rather be anywhere else than here.”  She began wringing her hands together tightly and went on, “this place worries me.” “In fact, I worry all the time! “ “I worry for myself, because what would become of me if I’m be left behind. “I worry for my husband, if I die,” “Then there are my children – if something happens to them then my world has ended and I haven’t even got to the grandchildren yet.”  “I worry, worry, and worry.”

The slightest bit of hope that was in the hallway was sucked out like someone just used a Shopvac and directly pointed the nozzle upon each and every soul in the corridor.  My spirit started screaming at her words of defeat and at the ungodly power of hopelessness being released into the air and the other women.  I could not contain myself!    I was thinking this is funny, this woman and the others waiting for their mammogram, had no idea I was waiting for something worse – a needle biopsy and aspiration.  I didn’t say a word about any of what I had been through. 

Suddenly I felt her fear, I turned my head to look at this lady square in the eye so I could speak to her spirit.  All ears in the room were perked up and I said softly, “there are some things in life, we just can’t control.  She nodded.  “But here’s the good part - there is Someone much bigger than you or I who IS in control.  Where my hope ends, His begins.  I am not without hope from the start of my days to the end of my days.  I also don’t worry because I take that Someone with me Everywhere I go.  (I could tell that she was Jewish), so I went on,   “even in the Torah before a temple was built, God dwelt in a tent.  Why?  Because His people dwelt in tents.  He lived life right where they were at.  In fact, He is here right now”

Can I say the hallway got much brighter?  She slowly put her hand over mine and said, “I suppose that’s true dear.”  With those last words, my name was called for my treatment.  As I left, I turned back and saw all the women sitting a little taller with a grins on their faces like they were waiting for the best prize ever!   I smiled  as well knowing I just preached to myself cause God and I were going into the next room and everything would be alright.   It was -because of I AM.

The Beauty of the Lord

About two years ago pre-cancer, I had a foretelling dream:

I had boarded a plane for a wonderful trip to an island paradise (so I thought).  As the journey proceeded, it was disturbing because the plane shook, lunged back and foth and dropped attitude with every fluctuating wind change.  I wasn’t really scared but more mad at the weather we were experiencing. - This was a so called pleasure trip!  I stood out of seat and declared, “I need to speak to someone in charge about this!”  The stewardess led me to the front of the plane behind some navy blue curtains to area that looked like a Board Room.  There was a large table with chairs all around it but only one person was sitting in the room.  He looked like an Orthodox Rabbi, but I also picked up that somehow this was a man full of wisdom.  He motioned for me to have a seat.  I instantly felt very comfortable to share my concerns about this misguided tour.  Mostly, I was focused on the incredible amount of rain that was falling.  I went on and on and on about the situation. He just listened.  All of the sudden, His face and eyes pierced my heart and He said with His Yiddish accent,  

“Yes, I hear you.”  “Where I am come from, there is much rain, BUT also much Beauty!”  “It is the Rain that makes it so.”

With the end of His words, I woke up immediately and the dream was over.

Life in general for the following months included chemo, surgery, more chemo and then radiation.  I was aware that God was on “my plane” with me every step of the way and it wasn’t going down.  In fact, that knowledge spared me several times when things were NOT going so well.  I would say to Him, “Really, God- Is this something you want to endure too?   I felt like Moeses did -I’ll go if you’re going, but if not, I’m not willing to go without You.”  Either the circumstance would change or if it was hard – He was there with me and made it tolerable.   The best part of the journey was that the communication between us had such clarity.

In January of this year, I laid my poor bald head to sleep thinking about reconstructive surgery that was around the corner.  I began to dream again and can you believe it?  I was on that plane again! 

 I looked out the windows and it was Still dark and Still pouring rain.  This time, I didn’t ask for help, I just got up and went behind the curtain to speak with my old Friend.  I stated, “I get what you mean about rain, but I Still cannot see the beauty? What is with this trip?”  He took my hand and said, “Remember what I told you about beauty before?”  Instantly, I was returned to an event that had happened about 4 years prior.

The event happened at my work.  It was a Lifeline installation (personal emergency response system) for a home.  I don’t normally do field installations but all my Lifeline technicians were busy that day and it was for a 98 year old lady named Marge who desperately needed help.   She was extremely frail and had been released from rehab just days before.  

 It was at this install, that I saw a little bit more of God Himself that day.  You see, Marge was a painter and had her works of art displayed around her home.  They were so heart provoking and stunning.

  I asked her, “How does painting work for you?” Do you see it in your mind’s eye and then draw it out? Or do you start painting it and then it evolves?”

 Her thin wrinkled hands grabbed mine and her bright blue eyes stared straight into the gut of my soul.  

She gently said, “Sweetheart, one Never paints from here” and pointed to her eyes. “To be an artist, one must always paint from here” She took our joined hands and placed them over my heart. 

I was shook to the core knowing I was having a definite God encounter, but it didn’t stop.  Marge started reciting Psalm 19 1-6 from memory and gazed out her hillside window:

 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
 It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.

I left Marge’s home that day, thinking to myself, “Yeah right, I just installed a security system for this lady?” “She is about the most ‘secure’ person I have ever met!”  Let me very pathetically try to describe at least one of her paintings.   It was a picture of her grandson’s weathered combat boots from Iraq. Tucked inside the tongue of the weathered shoe was a cross necklace.  Beside the shoes was an open bible with the verse underlined “For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.” 

This is when I got it!  

When you looked at her paintings, you didn’t just see the painting but you saw its creator -Marge!

 I woke up from the second dream. Here is some of what I’ve learned these past few trying months of recovery.

1.      Beauty shows us WHO the Father is and What He is like! How good! How strong! 

        How creative! and How BIG!

2.      I simply can’t see His Beauty if I am not looking with my heart.  My mind and my own  imagination will confuse the beauty of my journey.

3.       His Beauty goes with His presence.

“Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us! and establish the works of our hands for us – yes establish the works of our hands”  Psalm 90:17

Falling Leaves

As we sat around the campfire at Lake San Antonio, John one my friends was reflecting on some of the crazy things he did as a kid.  John had one story in particular that cracked me up but also stuck with me.  It happened when he was a young teen.  John’s folks as good parents told John and his brother they could go play after the front yard leaves were raked up.   Sounds reasonable, but it was Fall and the descending leaves dropped with the rhythm of a wind chime against a gentle breeze.   No matter how hard or fast they worked, John and his brother could not keep up with the steady stream of leaves.   

When John’s parents made a trip to town, John and his brother came up with a brilliant plan.  They climbed and crawled across every branch until every leaf attached to the tree was removed.    Needless to say the job was completed when their parents returned, but they also were in trouble. In their effort to reduce their suffering they placed the tree at risk for dying and diminished the beauty of their home.

 You see, leaves provide the area for the process called photosynthesis that we learned about in high school.   In simpleton terms, the leaves are energized by sunlight and use the carbon dioxide and water to produce a bi-product called oxygen.  The process of photosynthesis on a large scale sustains life on earth.   

What made me think of this story and chuckle?  I would love to pull off all my struggles and just go out and play.  Oh to be finally done with it!  However, I would miss an important life sustaining process.  Photosynthesis not only produces oxygen for others, but also helps feed the tree itself with the sugary sap it makes.  God is the One who is in control of how many leaves fall at a given time and when it is finally Springtime and new leaves bud.  

 Well, as you may have read earlier in my past blogs that at Christmas our family and our friends always play the Holy Spirit game.   One pulls out a “word” from a mixed bag of promises.  This word is for the next year.  Wouldn’t you know it? I pulled out the word “perseverance.”    Here’s the definition:  To persist in anything undertaken and to maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.   I am smart enough to know that if He’s given me the word, He’s also given me the strength.   There are seriously times when I wonder how many more leaves could possibly fall and when will I ever be able to just go out and play? 

I think I have learned a small secret.  Maybe instead of waiting to play after the leaves are done dropping, we should play WHILE the leaves are falling.   There is nothing like jumping in a pile of crunchy leaves or throwing them in air and yelling.     I am pleasantly surprised at how wonderful falling leaves are.  I have laughed till I cried these past few weeks at the stupidest things and craziest of places.   Am I comfortable? No.  Am I frustrated at limits? Yes.  But I have learned to play!    I’m kind of slow, but I am getting what the verse “The joy of the Lord has become my strength” means.  It is not just talking about joy when everything is honky dory.  It’s finding that joy in the falling leaves –           It is so empowering!!!

What Teleological Wonder God is!

William Paley introduced a teleological argument for the existence of God.  He likened the universe to a watch, with many ordered parts working in harmony to further some purpose. Just as the complexity, order, and purpose of a watch implies intelligent design, he suggested, so too the complexity, order, and purpose of the universe implies intelligent design.  Modern teleological arguments tend to focus on the “fine-tuning” in the universe, the fact that it is exactly as it needs to be (“fine-tuned”) to support life.
I got a great analogy of planned order and unplanned order yesterday. It reminded me of how God is in control of the big picture and interested in the fine details of even a single human.  As I lay waiting for my surgeon to take me to the operating room, Doug and I sat playing Battle Yahtzee on his Ipad.  We bantered back and forth (since we are not the least bit competitive – yeah -right! Did I mention I won? )  Doug took a look at the floor beside my bed and his eyes flickered worry.  He said, “You are bleeding out” I leaned over and saw a large puddle of blood that had started a river to my curtained neighbor’s bed.  Doug summoned help and all of the sudden we had 6 people working on the new bio-hazard I had created.  Apparently the tubing from the IV had an unseen slice in it which made my IV act as a pump onto the floor.
The funny thing is I have to donate a pint of blood next week for my surgery in subsequent weeks. I will most likely need a transfusion for that surgery.  I laughed and said, “Well, there’s my donation.”  It was there it hit me.  – An unplanned donation of blood such as yesterday has the ability to kill or render someone completely weak.  In sharp contrast,a planned donation of blood has the ability to save lives -the bible says that  “life is in the blood” How true the Word is! 
 As we look at little episode of me yesterday with blood pouring out onto the floor and put it on a macro level it is a picture of an unplanned life, unaware of what is happening around them and ultimately on a course for death. How many times do I let myself walk in this area of nonchalance not giving my all to Him or keeping Him first because I want to do what I want to do?  I’m not talking about the big issues in life; I’m talking about the fine-tuning God is interested in. It still has the power to destroy.
 The picture of a blood donation is totally different- Jesus shed his blood for us because it is part of God’s divine plan for us and it is part of His intelligent design.  He has a plan and that plan is life and life more abundantly.   How often do I stay in tune to His purpose in my life and plan accordingly?   God never misses the details in our lives. It is beyond my thoughts that He is so big to create the universe, yet so intimate to create the smallest particles with life. What an amazing wonderful God that I somehow I am part of His plan!  It’s a teleological wonder! We all have purpose!

 “Thus says the Lord: Stand by the roads and look; and ask for the eternal paths, where the good, old way is; then walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”    Jeremiah 6:16a

Simple Promises

We have a Christmas tradition in the Jones’ family.  It’s what we like to call the “Holy Spirit game”.   We put different spiritual promises in a bag and as friends or family stop by, they pull out a card.  They are supposed to take that word or words and let God minister that promise to them over the next year. 

I am always completely amazed by what people draw like for instance – guess what I drew this year – "Perseverance!"  I have 3 surgeries coming up in the 2 months.  Just what I need!  Two nights ago, one of my favorite people was over.  She pulled a card for herself and her fiancé.  The sad thing is her fiancé is spending Christmas in a jail cell for bad life decisions.  He has made excellent changes in his life, but now he must finish his time.  She misses him terribly and his isolation and loneliness eat at his soul.  Guess what card he pulled?  “Mercy” and hers was “Peace.”  I’d say these cards are kind of a divine gift personalized by the tenderness of God Himself. 

Well, this morning as I left for work, I grabbed the bag of cards and headed out the door.  You see, even staff at my job are into the game now.  It was windy outside and I had my arms full.  The wind ripped the bag from my hands and the little cards with their messages danced in the air.  I was in a panic! I felt like everyone’s promises were flying away like un-tethered kites.   I had to retrieve them before they were lost forever.  After a series of acrobatic stunts, while holding onto my hair, I was able to recover almost every one of them and put them back into the bag for safe keeping.

As I was driving to work, it hit me.  Wow- I really went to town trying to get all those promises back in the bag.   A few questions occurred in my spirit:

What if I sought after the promises of God with the same fervor as the cards in the wind today?

 What if I was determined to get ALL that God had for me, instead of what was easy and in my reach?

The Holy Spirit game took on new meaning for me this year.  I WILL run after Him –‘cause Lord, I want it ALL! - the whole BAG!  Make me an instrument of love as I dispense your grace in this life.  Merry Christmas Indeed!

I wanna be a buckethead

Sunday morning has a routine for Doug and me.  The Sunday after Thanksgiving was no different.  As usual we were getting in the groove for our youth service.  I was rolling a few song sets in my head and humming away.  Doug was brushing his teeth and thinking about his message for the morning centered on believing God in the impossible.   We always saved an extra hour in the morning to get our Sunday bagels, so I was grabbing my guitar and phone to get out the door.  Doug doesn’t enjoy bagels as much as I do, so I never want to give him a reason to change his mind about getting them.

Then came the phone call-  

It was Brad.  He very calmly said, “Oh, hi Lynn, we have a little problem.” “We’re in the fast lane in our car on the I-5 at a dead stop and we’ve pulled over as much as we can.”  “Something hit our car and we have two flat tires.” “Do you have an AAA card?”  I said immediately, “Brad, get off the phone, call 911 and have them give you a police escort to a safe spot!. And call me right back.  We’re on our way.”  They were about 50 minutes away. 

Brad, Bethie, and Karis were headed back to Sacramento from the holidays.  They had left Brad’s parents home in Orange County about an hour before.  Bethie was driving while Brad and Karis took a little nap.  Bethie had the Grapevine Pass in her sights.  She just passed Magic Mountain amusement park when all of the sudden the car in front of her swerved back and forth.  The swerving car was actually dodging a truck tire that the car in front of them had hit it.  Before Bethie could blink the tire slammed into the side of their small compact car making a 2 inch holes in their tires and destroying the rim. Bethie said it   sounded like a train bearing down on a small town. It woke both Brad and Karis up and the car came to a halt in a very precarious situation.  The Grapevine is home to herds of Semi trucks trying to make up time and gain enough speed to make it up the incline. The trucks were so close you could almost reach out and touch it as it passed.  The wind caused by the sheer size of their trailers shook the car every time one zoomed by.  After ten minutes of this uncertain journey, the highway patrol came to the rescue.  The patrolmen stopped traffic to help not only my young family, but also the other cars who had been struck by the tire.  They were finally moved; however the officer left them in another harrowing spot -the right side of the freeway.  They were instructed to wait for a tow truck.  

My phone rang again.

“Okay, we’re in a better spot, Lynn” I let Brad know we were about 35 minutes out now and would find them.  I asked if they felt safe.  Brad said, “I do, but I’m not so sure Bethie feels that way.”  I could hear Bethie at this point snapping at her hubby, “yeah, right Brad we’re on the edge of a Freeway with a baby- nothing to worry about” I got my answer.  I said, “We’re praying we’ll be there as soon as possible.”  Here’s the thing with the AAA towing, they will not help you if you don’t have your card in hand- baby or no baby.  As anxious as we were, there was nothing we could do, but drive. Doug and I just decided we have to trust in God. We didn’t say much and just listened to worship music to take the edge off scary.   

Thirty minutes later, we found their little white Mazda on the right hand shoulder of the I-5.  Bethie and I transferred car seat and baby to our vehicle. Doug and Brad surveyed the damage done to the Boekestein car while Bethie, Karis and I tried out exciting new versions of the “itsy bitsy spider.”  Karis enjoyed her water bottle and cookies when her hands were free from spiders going up the spout. The tow truck showed up and we exchanged information so we could finally leave the freeway.  

Wouldn’t you know it? There was a tire place open at the next exit AND a restaurant next door. Breathing a sigh of relief, we sat down and ate a good breakfast.  Karis totally enjoyed her breakfast – syrup and scrambled eggs!  What a great combo!  We walked back to the tire shop and Karis spied a candy machine.  Eight jelly beans later, we had a super excited little chimp! She found her Mac Donald’s kiddy meal bucket in her car and placed it on her head.  In full Karis form, she played tag, did her wacky walk, and “lets explore where we are not supposed to”.   It was more fun because she got a second dose of grandpa and grandma due to this whole event.

I looked at my granddaughter and got a good picture of what it means to totally trust in the care of your Father.  From an adult view, we had been scared, uncertain and helpless.  From Karis’ world, the whole extravaganza was an adventure! She yelled with delight as each truck rocked the car “truck!” Excited that she matched the word to the object and that it kept happening! And her grandparents show up from nowhere, she played games, ate goodies, went out to breakfast and found her bucket! 

I think sometimes little people have such a better understanding of who God is. They have a special wisdom that God is with them and wants to lavish His love upon us.  If we lay down our worries to dance in the moment with Him maybe we could find the joys of being a buckethead too.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. Romans 8:28-29

Today is the Day I've been given!

Extreme pressures at work, loved ones in denial, ministry not going the way it should be, studying for insurance exam and icing on the cake? – a visit with the plastic surgeon who tells me  that I will need three surgeries to put “Humpty” back together again. I was thinking one surgery.   I don’t have enough sick time left.  Now it will postpone into next year.    All of these distractions have been the video playing in my head.  

I know I’m not different than most folks by carrying the camel instead of the camel carrying my stuff.  When they took my blood pressure yesterday it was very high.   My blood pressure has always been ridiculously low in the past.  When I woke up this morning,  God told me to take a little walk with Him. I did.  

As we walked together, He gently told me that, “Today is the day, I gave you, Lynn.  I want you to know it’s the day you’ve been given and not GIVE IN! “Wow, I’ve been giving in to the pressures and letting it get to me.   Funny how quickly we do this.    It’s because we don’t realize that every breath and every heartbeat belongs to Him! – It doesn’t belong to a circumstance, a busy life,  a problem,  or a must do! You would think I’d get this by now.

Came back home with a new perspective this morning.  I Love Today!  Tomorrow’s not mine yet, but today God gave me This Day!   What will I make of it?  The best I can for Him and for others!    There is always room to grow and discover beauty beyond what is in front of me.  Even if the day doesn’t feel good, all the more reason then,  to reach out and  connect with God and others.  I will be encouraging others today to enjoy This day.   Pretty sure a very ancient friend of mine got it right when he said,” This is the Day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!”